For the Best of Friends

College really does force you to separate your real friends from your friends of convenience because it's easy to lose track of people or lose touch with them when you don't get to see them every day anymore. I know I was blessed (as I've noticed quite often these past few days) with a friend that stuck around when things got really difficult, especially with inordinately long distances separating us and me withdrawing into my academics and career. The latter was a youthful, green mistake that I should have tried to balance sooner, but because of my shortcomings, I almost lost the best of friends.

To have someone who will come to your aid in any situation or just sip a beer with without any occasion, no matter how long it's been since you've last talked or seen each other, is a blessing. These kinds of friendships are rare, and I certainly didn't recognize that until it was almost too late. Luckily for me, however, DaJi never took our friendship for granted and continued to reach out when I buried myself away. Sure, we've made some bad decisions together that led to some, uhm, unsavory situations and nights, and we've had our fair share of arguments, some serious enough to force us to test the strength of our friendship, but that's what all good friendships entail - a bit of stupidity and a couple of trials. Okay, maybe a lot of both., but if you can't be your honest self with your best friend, then that person isn't really your best friend, is he/she?

I know I've said this many times already, but I'm so glad you're back, DJ. I couldn't have asked for or even imagined a better best friend.

Life Comes Around Once

One of my favorite quotes is, "No one gets old by surprise." I have no idea who said it, but this quote is a constant reminder that although I may make a fair number of mistakes in the many decisions I make on a day-to-day basis, I will still not end up regretting something I didn't do or procrastinated in doing. A very close friend of mine told me that despite his current difficulties, he never once regretted the path that led him to where he is. Pain and suffering are temporary hindrances, but regret leaves an indelibly permanent mark.

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me. I watched my team lose by two points, and despite my best efforts to light a match under my players and remind them of necessary strategies, a few still felt content putting in a second-rate effort. This is something I will never fully understand: how so many people today are simply content, simply at peace knowing that they are stagnant and not growing. I certainly understand the contentedness of a comfort zone, and there is always a time and place for being still in one's thoughts, but when other people depend on you, or when your decisions affect others, even if it's just one other person, how can you possibly be okay with performing less than your potential allows? Life only comes around once.

The conversation I had with the bus driver before and after this game perfectly encapsulated what I felt yesterday. We traversed the spectrum, from career aspirations to love life and familial obligations. He said, "Life is short, Danny, and it's certainly too short to sit around wondering or suffering under circumstances that you can change." It was the perfect advice that I wish my players would have heeded when I reiterated the message to them.

When I arrived home, it was to another lecture from both of my parents about how I shouldn't apply myself so wholeheartedly, that I'm dedicating too much of my time, energy, and money to things that I don't know the outcome of, so it's best to remove myself from getting involved too deeply when so many things could go wrong. But, that's the crux of life, isn't it? You can choose to sit around and wonder, avoiding the many potential negatives and be content knowing that you sidestepped a slew negative outcomes and side effects or you can choose to live. Sure, I might be a little impulsive, and I certainly don't heed all the advice I generally should, but I still choose to live on a daily basis. I tried the play-it-safe and comfort zone route; it only provides peace-of-mind for so long.

The Feeling of Floating

In the winter of 2012/2013, I met a girl. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and even though it's a cliché to say, she seemed to slow down time whenever she came into view. Every time I saw her, my heart felt like it was about to beat out of its chest.  I didn't have much to offer, but she accepted me for the little I had nonetheless. So, there were home-cooked meals, delivered flowers, handwritten letters, chocolate chip cookies and waffles from scratch, hikes, sunsets, picnics, and several glasses of wine to accompany the myriad of beers consumed.

Along the way, she taught me about hockey and the contentedness of just sitting with someone else while taking in the little things life had to offer while I tried to convince her of the beauty of baseball and making reckless decisions. Suffice it say, we had our points of contention, but they always made for playful banter while we marathoned tv shows in her living room, sharing intimate stories and memories about ourselves.

As time progressed, I realized that I never felt more comfortable than I did with her in my arms, and Sunday night became more and more of a chore as the work week loomed on the horizon. But, that only meant I had plenty of time in the coming days to plan more weekend adventures with this incredible young woman whose laughter rang in my ears and whose scent floated to me whenever I missed her too much over the weekdays.

To the one who has stolen my heart, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, sweaty from yoga or not J. I will always be a nervous wreck when you open your door or smile at me, and Sunday nights will always be the most difficult night of the week, especially when we kiss goodbye. I love you.

2013 So Far

It's exactly 2 months into the year. How are you doing on your goals and resolutions? Have you fallen off the wagon, or are you still going strong? I want to say that I've kept myself motivated, but there are more than a few people who keep me on track, and there's nothing wrong with having a great support system. I have to give thanks to my many students, who come to me everyday with bright eyes and remind me to keep seeing the world through more innocent and green lens, and more experienced friends, like David Rink, who keep me on track with frequent and well-timed advice.

It's only been a serious month since I decided to take back my body and pull myself out of the long rut I was in, but I'm already posting my best running times and well on my way to lifting new numbers than ever before.This is going to be a good year. I had a picture of me below at 10% body fat, but that's all for a special someone, so I removed it. ;) Happy hunting in the new year, all.

One Year Ago Today

"The path to success lies in purpose, not in the person. We're all capable of great things. Ordinary men that had a purpose achieved great things. Extraordinarily gifted men with no mission have chronically underachieved."

Self-reflection can only help, and I'm not adverse to being honest. January 2012 seems so long ago, but I remember it well; that month seared itself into my memory. When last year started, I was an emotional and physical mess. Without any sort of plan of attack, I set incredibly lofty goals as a means to keep my mind occupied, and I paid for them as I had no purpose in what I was doing. On Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I stress fractured my right foot, and the only thing I had going for me collapsed as well. It was a fitting way to start a year that I did not look forward to, which would probably be the kindest way to phrase how little I actually wanted to enter 2012.

Half the year progressed with me in a horrible haze, sleep-walking through days and weeks at a time with no idea still of what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I pushed through the motions of going out for runs or heading to work with no real motivation to push myself for more. I wouldn't call it a comfort zone because people are generally content in comfort zones. I felt as if life were passing me by, and I didn't have enough energy or care to stop it from happening.

I thought summer mercifully came around, but that proved to be more of a burden than I could imagine. I lost more people than I ever have, and I just couldn't find any sort of joy in what I was doing. I kept my head down and my feelings to myself, though. I didn't want to burden anyone else with my losses, which probably wasn't the best idea, but that's just how I deal with things, and eventually summer ended, so I trekked back to work with the same lackluster mindset. If anything, summer drained me more than I cared to admit, but no one was going to know that.

Fall and Winter were my saviors. I found joy in old and new friends, students that were too bright-eyed and optimistic to give up on, and kindred spirits who are now extremely close friends. For these presences in my life, I am extremely grateful because even if I still do not know where I want to be next year, I at least know why my ennui is present. I also can't express how great of a place I'm in right now compared to a year ago. My runs are still directionless, and my life is less regimented than it's ever been, but I honestly don't care. Maybe I just needed a little chaos.

My Annual Thanks

I normally do this on Thanksgiving day, but seeing as how many of you are going to be out of town, I thought I'd do this today so that you would know how much I appreciate you all. This year, more than any other, I'm grateful of the support system that has protected and nurtured me and my dreams. I had a horrible start to the year, and summer was really no better, but the support system held steady. I'm also incredibly grateful for all of the new friends with whom I am in the process of getting closer.

Once you're out of college, your social circle is pretty much limited to what you had before and your workplace. I really lucked out with my work environment because I get to toil alongside a crew of courageous, humorous, and intelligent people every day. My love goes out to my fellow teachers every moment I'm in that school. To David Rink and Jonathon Krupp, my first two years of teaching would be properly characterized as a dull shade of beige. This year has been infinitely better with the laughs that we've shared. These are just down-to-earth, good, honest people, and that is hard to find anywhere.

This morning, I drove by an overturned SUV at the bottom of Sharp Park Road. It looked like the driver was alone and okay, but the sight made me grateful that I always let the important people in my life know how much I love them. As reckless as I may seem with my body and my choices, I thoroughly understand how quickly I may lose the ability to do what I love everyday, and I certainly always keep in mind who makes those decisions and dreams possible. I know for a fact that I would not have survived long in teaching without amazing mentors such as Leslie Wax, Tony Rodgers, and Christine Maog. I also know that you three have been instrumental in tempering my desire to do everything recklessly and thoughtlessly. You are my conscience when I want to zip around at 100 mph or give up in despair at a new road block. You three taught me so many life lessons over these years that there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't remind myself of at least one thing I learned from one of you, such as how to apply a more collaborative approach, or how to listen to my body more, or how to slow down and empathize/sympathize with those around me. You all enriched my life through your influence and guidance so much up to this point, and I know (and look forward to!) how much I have left to learn from you, if you'll let me, of course. I don't think I could properly express the impact the three of you made on this young man, this young man who is such a better teacher, man, and human.

To my friends who rush to my side despite my disregard for basic safety or my complete inability to continually stay in contact, I want to say that your words get through even if it seems like they're continuously wasted on deaf ears. And to those who feed the beast, there's no one like you guys. You keep me waking up at 5 a.m. every day to take on the obstacles of a new sunrise. There is no one who can provide the warmth of unconditional support the same way that Victor Kong does. There is no one who can temper my desire to throttle the accelerator like Hannah Yan does. There is no one who can show affection through humor the way Matt Juul does (seriously, I never thought I'd make any lasting impressions or real friends at Making Waves, but I'm truly grateful we were able to meet in such a short time frame and become close over the years). And, there is no one who can keep me centered the way Michael Espinosa does. You remind me to stay in touch and act as normally as I can every now and then.

To my family, as cliche or trite as it may sound, I know that I'm lucky to have such loving people to lean on in times of joy and times of pain. To my cousin Carly, we have laughed and cried together for so many years now. You've taught me so many times that I know virtually nothing about women. I miss you, and I love you. To my brother, you are my best friend and my closest confidante. Whatever life stakes in front of my path, I know I can rely on you. And, to my mom, you remind me every day that strength comes in many forms, but no matter how it's measured, there is no strength like yours.

This post is getting really long, so I'm going to wrap up with this: in a time period where honesty and sincerity are more attacked than expressed, I really could not care less. Have a great Thanksgiving, and let's all remember to just be good to each other.

My Friend, a Good Man

I consider myself a fairly good person; I'm certainly not perfect, as I've made my mistakes and stumbled over many faults, but I see myself as a good son, a good brother, and a good man, in general. That's why it just hurts when I see my friends, many of whom I consider to be better men and women, endure much more difficult hardships than I ever want to endure.

I know a man who will remain nameless; he's a good man that bad things happened to, but it doesn't take away from the fact that he's a good man. I started this post several times and deleted it each time because I could not properly synthesize what I wanted to write, so I hope I get it right this time around, and I hope to do justice by this person and this topic.

Devastating life events - losses of loved ones, the withering away of one's youth, etc. - are a given. No one avoids these inevitable circumstances, but there are just some events that should never happen, some that should remain avoidable, but this is probably a pipe dream. When you pour yourself into someone and things don't work out, it hurts, but that's a natural split. Sometimes, things just don't pan out, and that's okay because you date to figure out who you are and who you want to be with. This is just the natural order of things. But, what's not okay, and what I can't accept is my friend, this good man, having his heart ripped out by someone who couldn't stay faithful after years of commitment. No one would blame him if he went back to her; after all, they built a life together, but sometimes, you just reach a point where you believe that life is set, that you don't have to put yourself out there anymore, and that you can settle down. Even if you never reach that point, at least you know you have someone that you can trust with anything, someone with whom you can laugh and cry about anything. You hope that you don't have to be out in the cold again, but , it happens almost instantaneously. You wake up one morning, and you find yourself in unwanted territory, territory that you thought you'd never have to see again, and it's scary. It's downright frightening.

Here's what I want to tell my friend: The feelings resonate forever, but it gets better; the feelings of betrayal go away over time, and you slowly learn to love again. You'll even eventually meet someone else who can make you feel the same way, if not better. I can't imagine the magnitude of your situation, but I can lend my support and experience. I can lend an ear, and hopefully, I can just be as good of a man as possible for you because I wish I had good people around me when I was hurting.